How To Reassure a Trans Woman That You’re Not A Chaser

Navigating relationships can be complex, and when you’re getting to know a trans woman, it’s crucial to make sure she feels safe and respected. There’s a term that often comes up in the trans community – “chaser.” This refers to someone who is overly fixated on a person’s transgender status.

If you genuinely like someone for who they are and want to ensure they don’t see you as a chaser, it’s important to create a foundation of trust and respect. Here are simple yet powerful ways to reassure a trans woman that your intentions are sincere and that you appreciate her for the unique individual she is.

Correct pronouns and name

Start by asking her what pronouns and name she prefers—it’s a simple act that goes a long way in showing your respect for her identity. Once she tells you, be diligent in using them consistently in every interaction, whether she’s present or not.

This shows that your respect for her doesn’t waver depending on the audience. If you make a mistake, apologize quickly, correct yourself, and move on without making a big deal out of it. Your consistent effort will speak volumes, affirming that you see her for who she truly is and signaling to others to follow your lead. Remember, it’s about her and how she feels recognized and validated in her identity.

Focus on her uniqueness and not her body

Make a conscious effort to steer conversations towards her passions, achievements, and dreams. Ask her about her favorite books, music, or hobbies, and what projects or goals she’s working on. Compliment her on her skills, her sense of humor, or the insights she shares on various topics.

If you’re commenting on her appearance, praise her style or the way she carries herself rather than her physical attributes. By focusing on these aspects, you honor her individuality and ensure that your interest is rooted in who she is as a person, not in any particular aspect of her transition or body.

This approach not only fosters a deeper connection but also creates a safe space for her to be seen and appreciated for her entirety, not just her trans identity.

Educate yourself

Take the initiative to learn about trans issues by reading books, articles, and watching documentaries created by or featuring trans individuals. Follow activists and thought leaders from the trans community on social media to get insights into their experiences and perspectives. Understand the history and ongoing struggles of trans people, including the negative impact of ‘chasing’.

Reflect on this knowledge to examine your own behaviors and ensure they’re not inadvertently harmful. Join forums or support groups where you can listen and learn in a respectful manner, and if you have questions, ask them thoughtfully without placing the burden of education on the trans women you meet.

Being well-informed not only helps you to avoid missteps but also equips you to advocate for her and the wider trans community. This ongoing commitment to education shows that your efforts to be a better ally are sincere and rooted in a genuine desire to understand and support, rather than in mere curiosity.

Share your own vulnerabilities

Open up about your own life, sharing your challenges and fears with her just as you would in any genuine relationship. Let her see the real you by discussing personal stories, aspirations, and even the areas where you’re seeking growth or change.

This isn’t just about being transparent; it’s about creating a reciprocal emotional exchange where both of you can be vulnerable and support each other. When she shares her experiences, engage with empathy and without turning the conversation back to yourself.

Reciprocity in sharing and listening builds a balanced connection, making it clear that you view her not as someone to be rescued or scrutinized, but as an equal partner with her own strengths, struggles, and stories to share.

Celebrate her achievements unrelated to being trans

Make it a point to recognize and celebrate her accomplishments, whether that’s a professional success, a creative endeavor, or a personal milestone. Congratulate her when she achieves her goals, and offer encouragement during her endeavors just as you would with any friend or loved one.

When she succeeds, highlight the qualities and efforts that led to her achievement, like her dedication, intelligence, or creativity. If she’s comfortable, share your pride in her achievements with others in your shared social circles to further validate her successes.

By doing so, you are honoring her as a complete person and reinforcing that her value in your eyes is not tied to her trans identity, but to the multifaceted, capable individual she is.

Establish boundaries

Initiate a conversation about boundaries by kindly asking her what she is comfortable discussing and how she prefers to be engaged with. Use phrases like, “Let me know if there’s anything you’re not okay with,” or “Is it alright if we talk about…?” This not only shows respect for her personal boundaries but also gives her control over what she chooses to share.

Make it clear that you’re willing to listen without pushing for information that she may not wish to disclose. Respect her responses, and never press for details if she indicates she’s not comfortable sharing. By actively seeking and adhering to her consent in all interactions, you demonstrate a deep respect for her autonomy and a clear understanding that her trans identity does not define the entirety of her or your relationship with her.

Listen actively

When she chooses to share parts of her journey with you, practice active listening: maintain eye contact if you’re on a video call, nod to show understanding, and avoid interrupting. Reflect back what you hear to ensure you’ve understood her correctly, using phrases like, “It sounds like that was a really important moment for you,” to validate her feelings.

Resist the urge to relate everything back to her being trans or to compare her experiences to those of others you might know or have heard about. Instead, respond with empathy and keep the focus on her individual feelings and experiences.

If you’re moved to respond, do so with thoughtful consideration, saying things like, “Thank you for trusting me with this,” to acknowledge the significance of her sharing with you. This approach allows her to feel heard and valued for her perspective, not viewed through the singular lens of her trans identity.

It’s time to search

By embracing the ways we’ve discussed, you’re not just avoiding being seen as a chaser; you’re becoming an ally, a friend, and perhaps a partner who sees the full, vibrant humanity of the trans women you meet.

If you’re ready to take this approach into the world of dating, consider joining My Transgender Date, where your newfound awareness and sensitivity will be valued and celebrated.

Join us, and be part of the narrative that honors every individual’s journey. Your next meaningful relationship could be just a click away.